Angelic
by Sylentia Levin
Summary: Toshiya has leukemia and runs to Shinya instead of Kaoru who ran to Kyo because of a misunderstanding. Feelings began to be recognized but then Die asked Shinya out. Shinya accepted, seeing as Toshiya belonged to Kaoru, but feelings can't be denied.


**Angelic**

Summary : Toshiya has blood cancer and runs to Shinya instead of Kaoru (who ran to Kyo) all because of a misunderstanding. Feelings began to be recognized but then Die asked Shinya to be his boyfriend. Shinya accepted, seeing as Toshiya belonged to Kaoru, but could he deny his own heart?

Notes : Kind of Shinya-centered, but not always. Sad fic and I'm trying real hard to make the female readers cry ^-^ … Humor/Angst/Hurt-Comfort/Romance

* * *

Chapter One : Two Fights and a Revelation

It's one wonderful, beautiful morning in the summer and Terachi Shinya felt down. Really, really, really down, somehow. "Down" as if he's stuck in his own grave and couldn't get out. Even he himself couldn't understand why. Kaoru had cancelled rehearsal for the day (for the _whole week, _actually, now that Shinya thinks of it) and the whole morning in general just seemed so perfect. He should feel happy, or atleast not so depressed like he was now. The birds were chirping, the winds were playing, the penguins were probably dancing and the flowers were definitely singing while hooking their stems and leaves together, dancing the Hokey Pokey in the process with the cheerful sun shining brightly and smiling down upon --

Wait, WHAT?!

_Where the_ hell_ did I get _that _image from?_ he thought to himself, snickering. His imagination had gotten a bit too active, he realized. Maybe it was because he hung out too much with Kyo… Or maybe it was because of those times that he had (surprisingly) agreed to accompany Die for a drink… Though, watching movies with Toshiya could also be a cause… But those stuff can't possibly be as freaky compared to seeing Kaoru stressed out like hell, ranting in exasperation and then trying to help him calm down in the process… Right?

Hmm…

But hey, how could spending time with the members of DeG, getting to know them, study their personalities (and regretting it later on), cause his mind to go overly active and for once positively thinking that Die could actually be right about some things or that he could be funny at some point… Or thinking of the blatantly obvious fact that Toshiya's as hot as --

Hey, what the - ?!

_What the hell am I thinking?! Sure, it's all true, Toshiya_ is_ sexy, but still -- !!_ Shinya thought, now shuddering instead of snickering and he shook his head both inwardly and openly. Thinking back on the walking sex god of a bassist, Shinya remembered waking up sweating because of a _very_ interesting dream that involved Toshiya who --

Aaugh!!

Gawd, there was something obviously wrong with his brain!

Shinya sighed as he got out of the bathroom, into his room, out of his night clothes, and rummaged inside his closet for something to wear today. Somehow, he felt like he wanted to be pretty… like Totchi… today only though. And that was kinda weird since Shinya only crossdresses for the sake of his job, not like the beautiful bassist who may be a part-time crossdresser but wears skirts for the sake of fun and leisure, even outside DeG.

_Hell, the guy even wears a nightgown for a night's sleep sometimes!!_ Shinya remembered as the thought back on the day where he was forced to go to Toshiya's apartment (since Die had so sweetly asked the drummer to pick his drunken ass up) and the long-haired beauty had greeted him only with a light-blue delicate nightgown that barely reached his knees and perfectly showed off his sylph-like figure. That sight only had Shinya's mind reeling to what Toshiya could've possibly done with Die; what would Shinya think if Toshiya …

_Ew…__ Better not think about him. Or his gorgeous body. Or his --_

"Damn," Shinya mumbled as he found himself, once again, thinking about Hara Toshimasa.

Sighing, he took out a short, black pleated skirt and a black kimono-like top with both of the Sakuras and ruffles on the seams coloured red, the top resembling the one that Totchi wore in Myaku (I don't really remember where, sorry!). He then decided to put on black-striped red stockings and left it at that, moving over to sit on the stool in front of a mirror and a wide table with all sorts of make-up strewn all over. He clipped his bangs back and started to apply the make-up on his already beautiful, delicate face.

_Gosh, I look like a Goth…_ _A Harajuku Goth…_

A few minutes later, Shinya was done with make-up, leaving his long blonde hair free and had already made his way downstairs with a black-red duffel in his hand, Puppy nowhere to be seen. The blonde sighed and made his way to the kitchen, putting Puppy's food in it's bowl before walking over to the front door and putting on his platformed boots before opening the door and locking it, walking over towards his car. His dog just loved to disappear nowadays and he had made a mental note to not worry about it too much; Puppy usually shows up when he's hungry.

* * *

Having arrived at the mall, Shinya made his way to a music shop to look for a new pair of drumsticks; he had broken his in practice since he had hit the drums too hard and the stick had collided with a piece of metal framing the drums. He had been angry with Die then and he got carried away.

Entering the shop, he immediately walked over to a display counter and eyed the sticks there. He wanted the heavy ones; not easy to break even though quite uncomfortable to wield, unlike the light-typed drumsticks. If he used the thin, light ones, it'd probably break faster, considering the power he uses. But no matter how uncomfortable it might be, Shinya was used to it so it didn't matter much for him.

"Hello, miss. Can I help you with anything? A guitar-pick, maybe?" a voice called out from behind the counter, and Shinya looked up. He opened his mouth to talk but quickly closed them again as he registered what the man had just called him; _**miss**_,_ and_ he was wearing a skirt nonetheless.

Shit.

It'd certainly be weird if a pretty woman sounded an awful lot like a man, not that Shinya minded much, there were enough crossdressers in Japan as it is, but Shinya himself wouldn't want to meet a pretty girl only to find out that she's a he. Any poor guy would be scarred for life! The blonde shuddered as he remembered the first time he met Minisuka Bou, a very skilled guitarist whom he thought was very beautiful. He was saved from humiliation (somewhere around two minutes later) when he found out that Bou was a crossdresser the moment the blonde opened his mouth, and it still seemed rather awkward to see the younger blonde talk. To have such a low voice behind a beautiful face…

It was ironic, really, being a beautiful man.

_Just like you yourself, Shinya,_ his conscience mumbled and Shinya inwardly growled.

"Hello? Miss, are you okay?" the guy behind the counter asked once more with a smile that Shinya thought was supposed to charm him.

"Um…" Shinya hesitated, and at that exact time a voice called from outside. Surprisingly, it was Die. And what was more surprising, for once in his life, Shinya was glad he met the big, silly, friendly doofus of a guitarist.

"Oi, Shinya! What're you doing here, babe?" he asked with a huge smile, entering the shop though standing still quite faraway from the drummer, "Looking for a new pair of sticks, are you?"

Shinya merely flashed his usual faint smile and nodded. The guy behind the counter frowned, feeling that he had seen the two somewhere but catching the information that this delicately-lanky-and-fragile-looking lady in front of him is actually a drummer, and he caught up fast and took out a few of his finest but lightest.

"Here, miss, this one is a real fine-" he started, but Shinya merely knocked his nails on the glass counter and shook his head, indicating that it wasn't the type he was looking for. The man frowned.

"Well, which one would you prefer?" he asked, and Shinya sighed, rolling his eyes. If only he hadn't decided to be like Totchi today!! He turned to Die with a pleading look, but the guitarist merely frowned, accompanied with nervous smile.

"What?? Don't tell me you forgot your own -" Die began, but Shinya gave him a glare to shut him up and pointed at his short skirt, platformed boots and stockings. Die frowned for a minute, before a few things clicked in his head.

"Oh. Right. That'd be scary," he mumbled, before turning to the poor shop-guy who had obviously lost track of things.

"Um, yeah, my girlfriend here -" a word where he earned a death-glare from Shinya, "- is looking for a heavy-typed Zildjian, you got any? She -" another glare was shot at him, "- needs a pair that can last for awhile, you know. One with a good endurance," Die informed, walking over to both the shop-guy and Shinya, standing beside the drummer and circling an arm around the latter's waist, who immediately froze on the spot. He glared at the taller joker, but Die didn't seem to notice and focused on the stunned and frowning shop-guy who was thinking stuff out.

_What kind of music does this drum-girl play?! A heavy Zildjian, sheesh! Most drum-girls come here looking for a light Yamaha!!_ the shop-guy shuddered, but got it out nonetheless. He didn't even bother to explain how long it could last and all since he _knew _that this lady probably had more knowledge about it than he did.

Shinya merely nodded, paid for it, and walked out of the shop, holding Die's hand. But he wasn't holding it romantically or in a flirty manner, _God no_, Shinya was practically dragging him out of there, angrily.

"Shinya! Hey, come on, let me go!! What I've done_ this _time?? Hey!! Hey, Shin-chan!! Are you having your period or something?! Let me go, damn it!!" Die protested loudly at the drummer's firm grip, people turning their heads to look at the odd scene; a delicately pretty girl dragging her handsomely muscular protesting boyfriend out of the mall angrily, her strength seemingly more powerful than that of her partner's. Little did they know, ne?

Outside, Die had finally managed to get his arm back as Shinya stopped and turned around, glaring.

"WHAT?! Don't look at me like that!! I was just helping you out!!" Die defended himself.

"Yeah well, _thank you_, Daisuke, but you didn't have to put your arm around me and call me your _girlfriend_!!" Shinya hissed, and now, people were once again ogling at them. Die stepped closer dangerously.

"Well you _are_ wearing a skirt! Besides, isn't that the main reason why you didn't say a word? Because you_ wanted_ people to think you're a _girl_?!" he confronted, and Shinya immediately felt guilty as he realized that what Die said was right. Why was it so easy for him to get mad at Die but so hard for him to be nice and to atleast try understand the reason behind all the things Die did? After all, most of the stuff that he acted upon didn't cause Shinya any loss, except for the teasing, but still…

"Okay, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking straight, but --"

"Whatever. You're just so cold to everyone," Die suddenly snapped, the usual friendly gleam in his eyes gone, "_Why_ do you have to be such an ice queen? And here I thought that you had a heart."

"And what the fuck is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Well what does it sound like?! Being conservative, secretive, okay, _fine_, I can take that, people need privacy! But now…!! I already thought you were weird since the start but -"

"_Weird_?? Since the _start_?! What, so you're saying that I'm a -- a -- a secret-obsessive or something?! You don't even _know_ me!" Shinya stated angrily in a whisper, though loud enough for Die to hear.

"Well how the hell _can I_?! It took us _a month_ to officially get your phone digits and _years _later you've only told us the address of your place with the exception of the fucking apartment_ number_!! We've known each other for _years_ now, Shinya!" Die shouted at Shinya and the drummer was at a loss for words, knowing how right those words were.

More people have now turned to them and it had grown into a circle of watchers. They still thought that the two of them were a couple since their argument resembled the argument of one and they certainly looked like an item. What was more interesting, why did the two look like Shinya and Die from Dir en grey so much?

"You don't know why I'm doing this…" he mumbled, but Die caught it just fine.

"Then _tell me _why. Please? Shinya?" Die half-begged but the drummer shook his head.

"Die… I'm sorry, I can't, it's -" Shinya finally began, but Die had already cut in.

"A secret. Right. Wonder where I've heard _that_ one before," Die then stepped closer and bent down to whisper in his ear, "whatever," he stated in a slightly hurt voice, kissing Shinya's cheek before turning around, leaving him in the middle of the watching mass, mesmerized at both Die's words and kiss.

The crowd had started to thin in a fast pace and Shinya had just let the guitarist walk off, no matter how much he wanted to run after him and demand an answer, for both his words and kiss. _Especially_ that kiss!! Shinya knew he was wrong in many ways towards the band, but being a bit cold (or, the way he'd rather call it, _secretive_) is something that already came with him. They had to accept him the way he was, right?

Shinya sighed and shook his head to clear his thought, making his way to o'Zon, a café where he's used to hang out. He sat down and managed to order without having to speak and started thinking.

Okay, so he was wrong because he had gotten angry about something that he himself obviously did wrong, but why did Die look so sad all of a sudden? It wasn't like him at all. Maybe a problem with his girlfriend?

Shinya's drink came in a few minutes and the drummer continued to ponder about a few things here and there before his phone finally rang. Now not really caring whether people would knew he was a crossdresser, he took his keitai and answered it, seeing as the call came from Toshiya.

Surprisingly, his own voice sounded oddly clipped.

"Moshi-moshi, Totchi?" _Wow, what's wrong with me_?

"Shinya, are you okay?" Toshiya asked from the other end sounding worried. But somehow, Toshiya himself sounded more vague and clipped as if…

Nah, Totchi doesn't cry… Does he?

Shinya cleared his throat before talking into the receiver.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I've just not talked the whole day… Are _you_ okay? You sound as if you've been crying?"

"Um, _-sniffle-_ Yeah, uh, there's a problem… Uh, can I come over? Please? I need someone to talk to and I'm not sure whether Kyo is able to give me the sympathy I need right now. Please?" Toshiya requested, voicing the last word as if he were about to cry again.

"What happened to Kaoru?"

"Yeah, well…"

"Is _he_ the problem?"

"Mm-hmm. So could you just please allow me to come over this once? I _promise_ I won't tell anyone your address… Please?" Toshiya was practically begging and Shinya sighed.

"Okay. Where are you now? Should I come over to your place?"

"No, no, I'm… I'm at a café or something… Uh… It's called Suzerain… It's near Die's place, I wanted to talk to him earlier after I stormed out but since _he_'s the main reason for the fight… I just didn't think of it as wise… And you know Kyo, he's not… Sympathetic, you know? You're my only option. Please?"

"Yeah yeah, I get it. Just stay put, I'll go over, I know the place. Don't do anything rash, okay?"

"Mm-hmm."

And Toshiya hung up as Shinya sighed.

_Well, this is your chance to prove that you're not an ice queen after all, Shinya…_

**

* * *

**

Shinya got out of his car and entered the old-Victorian-Aristocrat-designed café, his chocolate-brown eyes scanning the place for the long-haired beauty of a bassist known to the world as Toshiya. The drummer soon spotted a slim figure with his head buried in his hands in a frustrated manner, the fingers combing through a set of surprisingly unkempt hair sporting a few bitten-off nails.

_What the … ?_

"Toshiya?" Shinya asked hesitantly. The figure looked up, his eyes desperate and a bit puffed from crying. Seeing Shinya, the bassist scooted over, the drummer taking the empty place beside him. Toshiya forced a smile and took in Shinya's attire.

"Shinya? -_sniffle_- Wow, you look nice. -_sniffle_ - Curious how it feels like to be crossdresser in public, huh?" Toshiya said, biting his lip even through his sad smile and Shinya was starting to get worried.

_Guys, especially _Toshiya_, doesn't _cry_. The word Toshiya and crying just doesn't go together. So why is he like this?_

"Nah, I just wanted to be like you today… Somehow. What happened? You're not like your usual self…"

"Yea, I know… I'm a mess, am I?" Toshiya smiled sadly.

"You're more than that… I mean, look at you," and Shinya took a few of the brunette's locks, "Your hair is a mess," Shinya commented, now taking Toshiya's hands in his as Toshiya looked away, "You've been biting off the nails of your pinky as well…", releasing the bassists hands, Shinya now taking Toshiya's chin and forcing him too look his way, "And your eyes are puffed and…"

"And what?" Toshiya asked, as Shinya suddenly fell silent.

Shinya couldn't even describe with words the expression that filled the bassist's eyes. He seemed desperate, sorrowful, miserable, confused, hurt, sad, depressed, but it was mixed with hints of regret and realization, all of it miserably failing to hide behind of what's left of Toshiya's happiness.

"Ano…"

"Ore no hitomi wa… mukanjyou ka?" Toshiya asked timidly and Shinya shook his head, letting go.

"Iie. It's quite the opposite."

"Oh really?" Toshiya said incredulously but amused, _e_Iisthe smile in his face now genuine.

"Yeah, there's no other word for it… Na, koto itte kudasai ka?" Shinya asked, getting straight to business. He knew that it might've been a bit harsh, but Toshiya knew him.

"Uh… well… Can't you see for yourself?" Toshiya asked and Shinya stared at him quizzically.

"See what?" he asked as he examined the bassist; there was nothing to --

Ne, chotto. Kore wa … ?

"Nani no … ? Did he punch you or something?" Shinya asked incredulously, hoping for him to be wrong, but Toshiya shrugged, brushing a strand of hair away. And then, as Shinya became a bit more observing, the drummer caught a glimpse of a forming bruise on the near-perfect pale wrists. He took the wrists in his long fingers and observed them as the owner blushed.

"Gee, no need to get so obsessive with them. They're just a set of bruises, Shinya," Toshiya joked, failing to cheer up the uneasy situation.

"Did you two get into a fight?"

"Yeah, though you can't really call it like that, it was more me getting abused, you know, Hahaha," he forcibly laughed, "He just gripped me by my wrists too hard and he slammed me into a wall but I managed to get out in the end so it's not really important…" Toshiya drifted, mumbling a few words, but Shinya only caught the words "die in the end."

"Well, you're lucky that you're not dead or anything…" he stated, trying to get Toshiya to repeat his earlier words, but the bassist sighed with a sad smile.

"Un, yatta, lucky me, ne," he stated sarcastically, but it wasn't sarcasm nor annoyance, rather sadness filling his eyes and Shinya was starting to get worried.

"Is there something you should tell me? Like, _really_ tell me?" the blonde insisted, and Toshiya closed his eyes, shaking his head as if trying to lie to himself before speaking up.

"Nothing of too much importance. I was never a part of Diru anyway; I'm the only one not from La:Sadies so you guys won't lose anything if I'm not around," the bassist stated in a puzzling way as he turned and fidgeted with his keitai on the table. But then Shinya noticed something else that the keitai had been set upon, a brown map half-covered by Totchi's bag, clearly showing off the words "Hara Toshimasa"; the bassist's real name.

"What's that?" Shinya reached forward to take it but Toshiya quickly covered it.

"Nothing. Personal stuff, you don't have to see it, it's not really important," he said quickly, _too_ quickly, and Shinya's brows furrowed.

"Totchi, don't try lying to me."

"I'm not lying. It _is_ personal stuff…" he said uncomfortably, looking away.

"You'd show me if it wasn't important and you'd still show me if it was because you asked for my help. If you didn't want anyone to see it, why bring it out here in the open?" Shinya attacked him with logic and Toshiya sighed.

"I didn't exactly don't want _anyone_ to see it… Just _one_ in particular… That's why I couldn't leave it lying around at our apartment," the raven bassist mumbled and Shinya sighed.

"So you could still show it to _me_, right?"

"No."

"And how so?"

"…"

"Totchi… What is just so important in that file that you don't want anyone to know…?" Shinya asked and Toshiya finally sighed, burying his face in one hand, using the other to push the map in his band mate's direction, who took it and started to read. Shinya frowned and his eyes grew bigger every two lines, his mouth slightly agape. It clearly stated that Hara Toshimasa had…

"Blood cancer?! Blood cancer as in Leukaemia?! How could _you_ of all people, get _leukaemia?_! _I'm_ the one most possible option for cancer!" Shinya protested and Toshiya sighed.

"I know. I don't know how I got it either. I've rarely been sick and all, but the doctor thinks that it got to me when I was feeling most weak. Remember when I fainted at rehearsal because I said that I've been taking care of my sick sister? Going back and forth, hospital-home, hospital-home, and failing to get sleep because there was rehearsal and so many stuff to take care of?"

"Yeah. And?"

"It got to me then, I guess."

"That still doesn't make sense," Shinya stated sceptically.

Toshiya merely shrugged, "I'm done trying to lie to you."

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"Your years to live, you idiot."

"A year, actually. But since I came a bit too late…"

"Totchi, _how long_?"

"Three --"

"Months?"

"Yeah. Three minus two, though," he stated smugly.

"_One_?! You've got _a month_ to live?! Why didn't you tell any of us?!"

"Nani wo katari? Nani wo tsutae you to shiteta no darou? That I'm dying and that you guys should pay your respects to me better now than later? Doesn't sound much convincing to me," Totchi snorted.

"Well you could've _at least_ _tried_!!"

"I didn't wanna cause an uproar," he shrugged, "Besides, who could I tell anyway? You were very closed-off so I didn't wanna bother you… Die would get too panicked and who knows who he'll tell next? Besides, Kyo is Kyo. He won't understand, he won't give me the attention I need as he's got his own problems to take care of. As for Kaoru… He was just so busy and I know that he'd freak if he knew, probably more than Die would…"

"Then why come back to me?"

"Ano… Even though you're quiet, dakedo, subete wa… Iie, _omae_ wa… Oretachi no ichiban no rikaisha de, dakara…" Toshiya trailed off, and Shinya sighed.

"So that's what your fight with Kaoru was about? That file?"

"No… It's all a misunderstanding, and it dragged Die into it somehow."

"Die? Pray tell."

"I had a party over at Hakuei's since he's having a birthday and I collapsed somewhere in his livingroom. Aoi and Saga took me to the hospital and there was when I figured out about that cancer and all and that I only had a month to live. The trip home I just stayed quiet but Saga and Aoi luckily didn't suspect anything, you know… And then I got home and found Kaoru in front of the TV. I wanted to directly tell him then, but I didn't know how to say it so I did the basics, you know, approached him, said a nervous hello and all, and then I said something that I wasn't supposed to and he snapped."

"Which was…?"

"'We gotta talk,'" he stated guiltily and Shinya gave him a look.

"Nice move there, Einstein."

"Yeah, I know. He thought I wanted to end things. It turned out he had been out for a drink that night, I could smell the alcohol, and he wasn't thinking straight, you know…"

"What did he do?"

"He yelled at me… It turned out he had been very scared of losing me since he always thought that I was so beautifully seductive, you know, and he thought then that I found someone better than him, that person being Die since I tagged along with him to Hakuei's. I defended myself, of course, and we have never even gotten on that file topic. It was… Scary, I guess. Well, it was frightening for _me_, though, and he slammed me into a nearby wall causing the bruise on my face and then I tried to get away but he took both of my wrists and gripped them too hard, hence _these_," he smiled sadly, raising his wrists a bit.

"That still doesn't explain how you've ended up becoming a crying mess."

"Well… Before I tried running out of the door, he called me --"

"Called you what?" Shinya asked, having a very good guess based on the bassist's public-knowledge reputation and Toshiya inhaled deeply, closing his eyes tightly before answering.

"A whore. He called me 'a whore who possessed a pair of lips that has seen more cock than the whole band combined'. And it hurts, Shinya, it hurts so _much_ somehow! I know I've been passed around quite often in the past, but -- But does he _have_ to state it that way?" Toshiya confessed as he was overcome by tears once again, now crying freely in the drummer's arms, who merely stroked his hair soothingly.

"You know that's not true, Totchi, atleast not anymore," Shinya tried to soothe him, but Toshiya kept on talking.

"No it isn't!! I mean, if it was someone else… If it was Kyo or Die I'd probably punch them and don't worry much about it, if it was you I'd probably think it over and_ still_ not make such a fuss about it… but when it was _Kaoru _talking… When it was _him_ who said it… I just feel so hurt inside, and it makes me feel so… so -- _dirty_ somehow. It makes me feel so dirty, so low, so _cheap_ and unworthy of him! And you know what's worse? I know what he's saying is true. That's what making things worse, Shinya, _it's true_ and there's nothing I can do about it!" Toshiya wailed as he cried more freely and people were all starting to glance in their direction.

"Totchi, nakanaide; you know that's not true. You've had countless lovers, yes, but that was _before_ Kaoru and you had _none _after. People deserve a second chance and you _know_ it. Even _I_'ve gotten one… It's alright, Toshiya, it's alright," he whispered, but the bassist shook his head wildly, sitting up straight and looked at him with tearful eyes. Shinya could feel the sadness rolling off him.

"It's _not_ okay, Shinya! _Everybody_ knows what I am! You cutting yourself…! It was only between Diru; not even Yoshiki-san found out about it!! This is _worse_!!" Toshiya insisted, and Shinya sighed, reaching out to get him back in his arms. He merely complied as the drummer stroked his hair.

"Well, okay, then, fine. Let's just get you out of here now, okay? I'll get you home and explain Kaoru everything," Shinya tried as Toshiya wiped away his tears, his head on the younger one's chest, but the bassist's eyes immediately widened as he sat up straight once again.

"_No_!!! I'm _not_ going home! Not back to _Kaoru_! I can't face him right now! I had just indirectly broke his heart and now you want me to go back and tell him I'm gonna _die_?! You want to give that old man a heart-attack?!" Toshiya freaked out hoarsely, coughing, and Shinya calmed him down.

"Okay, okay, then we'll just go back to my place and we'll figure things out, okay? Just don't go all hysterical over me; I can't stand hysterical people cause they make me nuts," the blonde stated and Toshiya bit his pouty, plush bottom lip in guilt, nodding. Shinya knew that he should be feeling sorry over the bassist's bad luck, but somehow, the sight of Toshiya like that just makes Shinya want to lean over and claim --

_Whoa! Where the _hell_ did my mind just wander off to?!_ Shinya shook his head inwardly, shocked at his own thoughts. Sure, who wouldn't get a bit attracted to Toshiya, even the straightest guy could turn bisexual in five minutes with him; all he has to do is stay in a room with the bassist for an hour. But Shinya has endured the guy for _years_, so why was it so hard to fend the bassist off his mind _now_?

**

* * *

**

The blonde drummer sat on the sofa, taking all the space available as he had put up his feet and stared at the TV absent-mindedly.

Puppy still hasn't returned but he wasn't all that worried unlike usual since he had better stuff to think about now. Shinya would be lying if he said he didn't notice the quiet front Toshiya had put up instead of his usual chattering. The bassist had been fiddling his fingers the whole trip to his apartment, keeping his mouth shut and his mind preoccupied. It even took him a few minutes to recollect his stray thoughts when Shinya had told him that they had arrived at his place.

Glancing at the clock he noticed that it was only ten past twelve p.m.; Toshiya had been in the bathroom for the past twenty minutes or so. Shinya sighed as he thought over the steps of his weird day. He had woken up at seven, spent two hours at the mall, another two or so hours talking to Toshiya, and it took a total of an hour and quarter for the whole trip from Suzerain to his apartment, since Die's place was located at the heart of the city and Shinya's apartment is located in a complex a bit faraway from it. After all, Tokyo _is _a huge city. Not to mention the heavy traffic that could drive anyone nuts…

The sound of an opening door caught Shinya's attention and the blonde turned around to find an incredibly sexy Toshiya standing in his bedroom doorway in only his boxers and a hand drying his dripping wet hair with Shinya's white towel. He walked over to Shinya who merely handed him a fresh pair of clothes and after putting those clothes on right on the spot, he laid down beside the drummer on the couch, his head childishly resting itself on the blonde's lap. Shinya didn't protest like he usually would've done; he knows that this was what Toshiya usually does when he was upset and he only does it with someone whom he trusts or loves, Kaoru in most circumstances, and he does it even in the studio for everyone to see. So for Toshiya to actually lie on Shinya's lap, sniffling and absent-mindedly drawing circles on his knees and thighs, only has three meanings.

1) Toshiya has no one else to lean on but he desperately needs comfort so he seeks it to the drummer, or

2) Toshiya trusts Shinya very much, or even possibly,

3) Toshiya loves Shinya.

The third option just sounds so hopeful and impossible that it just can't be true. It's either first or second, but…

Definitely the first.

"Totchi, can I ask you something?" Shinya asked, hesitantly stroking and running his fingers through the bassist's hair, who actually seemed to enjoy it.

"Mm-hmm. What is it?" he purred softly.

"Why aren't you showing any symptoms? If you only have a month left, you should be weak and coughing all over the place or something. You should be dizzy and pale. You don't look like it," Shinya accused.

Yeah, he knew he sounded evil. But knowing Toshiya, he could make a prank even out of the most serious life-threatening situations and Shinya didn't want to get caught in his game. Toshiya immediately stiffened and stopped every movement.

"Why did you think Kaoru cancelled the rehearsals for?" he asked quietly, and Shinya answered quietly as well, now with a hint of guilt.

"Stuff. If you said that he didn't even know that you were sick…" Shinya trailed off.

"Nagasu namida ni… uso wa nai to, Shinya-kun…" he mumbled softly after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, sounding a bit hurt.

"Iie, nagasu namida ga _subete uso to_, considering where it fell from," Shinya answered a bit snappishly and Toshiya immediately sat up.

"_Considering_?! So you don't believe me?" he shot, his feelings obviously messed up and Shinya merely looked away.

"…"

"Shinya!! Do you believe me or do you _not_?! Shinya-kun, _kotaete!_!" he demanded hoarsely, tears threatening to fall again, both his hands reaching out to shake the blonde's slim frame.

"… I don't know… You've played so many games, Toshiya, and I don't wanna be a part of one," Shinya answered quietly, eyes still looking away. He was afraid that if he'd turn and see the hurt in the bassist's eyes…

"You think I'm faking my own _death_?!" Toshiya yelled, "Look at me, Shinya, _look at me_!" he demanded, taking the blonde's chin and forced him to look his way. With tears running down his smooth cheeks, Toshiya wiped away the lipgloss on his lips forcefully with the back of his hand as he did the same with his eyes.

"Do I look so healthy _now_, Shinya? Do I _still_?! Then try to look _behind _this mask!! I've always tried to look behind yours and I've discovered _so much_, so why can't _you_ try the same for me?? Me o mitte, onegai!! I just need a shoulder to cry on. If you don't want me then I'll go first thing in the morning but just let me please, _please, _indulge in the comfort of understanding company for now! Shinya, onegai yo?" Toshiya was in tears once again and he was practically begging, holding Shinya's hands tightly, painfully, _desperately_, while the drummer himself merely stared with guilt.

Even though his face was tainted with smears of lipgloss, mascara and eyeliner, Shinya could clearly see the secrets those beauty tools had so perfectly covered. Toshiya's lips were as pale as his porcelain-white skin, his cheeks were devoid of it's naturally-Toshiya faint blush and his eyes were…

"Wait here," Shinya mumbled, and he got up, heading towards his bedroom. Toshiya merely obliged and fidgeted quietly on the sofa.

A few minutes later, Shinya came back with his make-up box in his hands and sat back down in front of the bassist, setting the box between the two of them and opening it. The drummer poured a bit of cleansing milk onto the tip of his fingers as he gently applied it onto Toshiya's face. Blushing, the raven picked out a cotton ball from Shinya's make-up box and started to wipe the substance off of his own face, looking away. The blonde merely blinked at the action before taking out another cotton ball and tipped a bottle of astringent onto it lightly before grabbing Toshiya's chin as soon as the raven had finished, holding it up a bit, and started to gently dab the damp cotton onto his pale face, cleaning it of all make-up. Toshiya was blushing a few shades by now and Shinya's monotone face finally showed emotion and frowned.

"What?"

"Um, nothing…" Totchi mumbled, and he stayed quiet throughout the whole gentle treatment. As soon as he was finished, Shinya took another piece of cotton ball and dabbed it again to remove any remnants, still holding on to his bandmate's chin, occasionally leaning in a bit closer to see a few parts better. Toshiya was blushing, blushing, blushing…

A few seconds later, Shinya blinked as he felt a pair of soft lips pressing against his own, staring into Toshiya's eyes. It was a mere peck and the bassist pulled back immediately, eyes wide as if just realizing what he had done.

"Kuso… Uh, Shinya, gomennasai, ore wa…" he tried, but Shinya stayed silent, merely staring at him, and he felt guiltier than ever.

He didn't know what the hell had just possessed him to do that, knowing the drummer's characteristics. Shinya is now officially going to kick his ass, sick or not. Blinking and stuttering a few times, Toshiya finally whimpered as he shook his head whilst biting his lip and stood up, quickly making his way to the door. He had to get away.

Shinya, who had just appeared to be snapping out of his thoughts, registered to his mind that Toshiya was leaving and immediately followed his tracks. He caught up as Toshiya was about to open the door; he pulled him back by his upper arm, closing the door as he pinned him there and forcefully kissed his bandmate with both of his hands beside the raven's head. Toshiya replied after a few seconds with the same aggression, parting his lips immediately and Shinya took his chance to slip in his tongue. Totchi kept his hands stationary beside him since he didn't dare touch the younger male. A few minutes later, the two broke apart in heavy ragged breaths.

Everything happened so fast.

* * *

So? How was it? Reviews are very welcome!!!


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